I have a tendency to quit things. sorry.. I blame my (still) undiagnosed ADHD, but then again, maybe it's just lack of discipline or something.
So.. hi! It's been a long while. This feels like awkwardly catching up with an old friend after missing some 'happy birthday's and a few major life events, like, having a baby. This example is deliberate - I am writing as a mum of a 4 month old boy. He's the most precious thing, obviously, but don't worry, this blog is being reactivated so I have some space to find my voice again, not to turn this into a mommy blog reviewing strollers and sleep schedules. Although, hit me up if you wanna chat about babies.
I had been missing this - the putting down my inner life into black and white, and I had been thinking about writing again for a while. The final push came when I heard one of my favourite writers speak at a book festival at my local park - Elif Shafak. She is a writer, but she's also an incredible speaker, absolute wordsmith - I'll link her TED talk below, I highly suggest you listen to it. But what resonated was her saying that one should not fear judgement for the things one does and to make the inner child happy again by doing the creative things we once enjoyed. So here we are - I am re-entering the world of writing, but more importantly - re-flection.. who the hell have I become and how did I get here? What are the things I love or am afraid of again? I've lost track a little. Like we all do, I have changed so much, overcome things, but I don't think I've actually 'updated' my inner system. I think I still hold on to old insecurities and make them out to still be part of me, when actually, I have changed those relationships, or 're-written my imaginary script' that I have for my life (this is a nod to my therapist, Ruth, you legend).
Writing this feels like taking off all my clothes, and also my skin, and just standing there in front of everyone you've ever known, so they can judge you and your insides. Poke them, stare at them, just really get all up in there. It is so deeply personal, sometimes it feels like it's almost invasive. Yes, it is fully up to you how genuine your writing is, because nobody will ever know how honest you've been. It's torturous in a way - the less you lie and hide behind your work, the more liberating it will be.. but also so much more terrifying because now you have cracked yourself wide open, like a gloomy oyster without tabasco to help it go down smoother.
Here we go, my estranged family members, old and lost friends, strangers and more terrifyingly, everyone I interact with on my day to day, here is a fresh one for ya.
I had the realisation that I have lost what makes my soul dance.. but then again I don't know how tightly I had it in my grasp in the first place. I first thought about this laying in bed over a year ago (few months pre-baby), when my algorithm served me some jazz house, a house dancer from Japan and a painter, all within a few swipes. It took me by surprise, I laid there, in the middle of the night, letting the dance videos replay endlessly as I stared at the bright screen with a big grin because I just loved it. This, this, THIS is what I had missed - the moves my body craved, music that felt like exactly what I wanted my background of my life to sound like and art.. so wonderful to look at, exactly how I wish I could paint if I had the skill. So, for the first time in a long time I did something about it - I bought the vinyl (and later some gig tickets, which I went to already preggers and nearly fainted, heh) and I signed up to house classes every Tuesday at pineapple. Admittedly, it had been a good decade since I had done any movements similar to those of house, which are slightly off-beat, leg heavy and smooth-groovy-mesmerising-ish. It felt good though.
Most people tend to have hobbies or traditions that they prioritise, I, however, tend to push those kind of things out of my life first, especially when something is slightly more exciting and diverts my attention. I dive in fully, leaving that important self-stuff in a dry-bag on the side, outside the splash zone, not to be picked up again. Most people prioritise the things that make them who they are, I abandon them in order to make space for everyone else and their dry-bags full of life.
Oh and tell me I'm good at something and that I have potential - congratulations, you have just ruined it forever. It is immediately laced with pressure, I overdose on it in my brain, which is anxious by nature. By the end of the cycle, I have quit it miles away from it becoming anything real, all because I got scared of what it could be three years down the line. I have such a long list of things I have abandoned at the 'idea stage' just because I thought too far ahead and decided that it will fail and hurt me miserably. All those business ideas.. I could be a millionaire. And I do this in arguments too - I will start the fight in my mind, arguing against myself from every angle to the point that I already believe I know how the conversation will end, so I don't even start it. Anyone relate? Just me? Cool, cool, cool.
I'm so rusty when it comes to writing. To be completely honest, I wrote nearly all of my blogs stoned, but back then I did not spend a lot of time sober. This time round I have healed most of my gaping wounds, have gone through pregnancy and early motherhood, moved house twice, lost and gained cats, experienced true sobriety and now.. I write over many days, lacking the confidence I had gained, at night, when my baby is asleep and I happen to have enough energy to try and muster up any creativity. Honestly, ever since the last post I regularly make up headlines and little abstracts of what I'd like to write about and imagine putting it out there, saying 'you better remember this and actually write it down!!!'. I 'write' in my mind, but that might just be called 'thinking'.
You'd be pleased to hear that I have returned to my house classes, the beginners version. I'm taking this hobby back out of the dry-bag and starting from the very basics. I like how my teacher breaks things down, makes you understand how your whole body makes the move happen, not just your feet. It's usually in the hips, by the way. And I really like the sense of progress that I feel. I no longer feel like I'm going to faint by the end of the class, I actually see how my body is re-learning, navigating the movements, getting back into patterns of movement that are faintly etched into my physical memory. I also really like just letting my body do the moves and figure it our without my brain taking over. Last week I finally cracked a move I was struggling to execute just by fully committing to the move, fully letting go. The body took over, it knew what it needed, what it had to do. I could trust it and it did not disappoint.
I am currently somewhere in-between feeling very lost and knowing exactly where I am, but then again, I'm pretty sure I never truly have not been lost. I guess this is what this will be about - finding out at what point do I have to take accountability over my flaws and make amends. Asking myself for forgiveness over being broken and scared over things you could not control, and teaching myself to trust in my gut again, because if we're being honest it has never steered me wrong, whenever I have truly listened to it.
so, for the tally - Anna 2 - 0 Lostness
point breakdown:
1 point - return to dance
1 point - return to blog
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